Maybe . . .maybe . . .things are all going to work out after all.
Don't be ridiculous.
I noted that one of my besties is a half hearted atheist/agnostic and she's a better Pagan than I am. It's true. She believes in the Universe and The Plan. Maybe things suck now but everything will become clear shortly as it always has. Logically, I know she's right. Emotionally, I'm all *side eye to my altar* trust no one.
Everything was coming together and then . . .the bottom half fell out for me. I say half because another one of my income sources just dried up. The biggest one, of course. Why not? It's less than three weeks before my wedding, it's a perfect time to be completely worked up into a complete state of despair, distrust and complete emotional upheaval. Why not start a job search three weeks before getting married?
And what exactly am I supposed to do? What is the Universe mumbling to me? Am I supposed to try to get a comparable job and keep things as is? Get a full time day job until one of my arts pans out (if it does)?
The compass spins.
And spins.
And time becomes this weird weightless thing where everything feels too long and too short at the same time and I can't breathe. I feel exhausted and discouraged. 2012 will age all of us far more than a year. I dutifully apply to everything and anything and throw my hands up.
This is where everything is super hard. This is where I want to give up. Give up on what, I'm not sure. My dreams, my hopes, everything that stresses me out. All of it.
I suppose, now would be where I would say, this is where you push baby!
No.
Just give up.
Don't get excited, I'm still the girl who started the Experiment. I'm not saying forever. I'm saying for a day. Give up for a day. Just let everything slide and see what it feels like not to be trying your hardest and just not care.
The Best Guide to Quitting (for a day):
1. Call out of work. You're probably sick with something stress related anyway. A day off from work is like a ghost crab day in Mexico - it doesn't count. Take a Xanax or your tranq of choice and go back to bed.
2. Take your meds if you take any (let's not get crazy-ier). Don't shower. Don't brush your teeth. Don't brush your hair. You can change into fresh pjs if you like.
3. You may leave the house (yeah, like this) for one stop: the grocery store. Potential purchases: jug wine, cigarettes, carbs, trashy magazines. Nothing healthy, that's for losers.
3. Take your pillow, your favorite blanket and stuffed animal and go lie on the couch.
4. Daytime television (I recommend Fox) and internet forever.
5. Dinner time! Pizza (Domino's because it's awful) or Chinese food (nothing steamed) delivered.
6. Time to start feeling better about your lot in life. Time for reality tv, obv. I recommend the following downward spiral in the following order:
a. America's Next Top Model
b. Beverly Hills Nannies
c. Gallery Girls
d. My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding
e. 16 and Pregnant
f. Real Housewives of Where Ev
g. Teen Mom
h. Toddlers and Tiaras
i. Dance Moms
j. Intervention
k. Hoarders
7. Go to bed at a reasonable hour. After all, tomorrow is a new day, Scarlett. You get a day to wallow then it's back to work.